My husband has a 21-year-old son from his previous marriage who came to stay with us for “a few days.” Weeks later, he still hadn’t left or contributed. When I finally snapped and told him to get a job or move out, he just smiled. Later, I froze when I discovered a notebook he’d been keeping—filled with observations about our daily routines, from what time we woke up to how often we argued. It wasn’t harmful, but it was deeply unsettling.
When I confronted him, his admission was heartbreaking: he was trying to understand how a “functional home” worked. His mother’s house had been so chaotic that he didn’t know what “normal” looked like; the notebook was his way of learning. While his honesty softened my anger, it didn’t change the fact that we had an adult roommate who wasn’t helping.
My husband and I eventually sat him down for a serious talk. We explained that adulthood requires active effort, not just observation. To our surprise, he truly listened and admitted he’d been avoiding job hunting because he was terrified of failing.
The shift wasn’t instant, but the tension in the house began to lift. He started helping with the dishes, applying for entry-level positions, and even cooked a (slightly burnt) dinner. It wasn’t the story I expected when he first arrived, but it was clearly the one he needed to finally start his own life.
